Saturday, February 13, 2010

Brendan Haywood Is The Best Mavericks Center Ever No Really: A Play In One Act

Scene: a darkened auditorium. There are very few people in the seats and a monstrous spotlight on the court.

Enter: PA Announcer

Aaaaannnd now, ladies and gentlemen, the top 5 centers in Dallas Mavericks hiiiisssssstoooorrryy!!!!


In the first category, we have honorable mentions for some decent players who weren't really centers, but played there anyway because yooouurr Dallas Mavericks didn't have anyone else!!! Let's here it fooooooorrr Raef LaFrentz, Drew Gooden, Roy Tarpley, and Saaaaammm Perkins!!!

wild applause

Now, the number 5 center in Dallas Mavericks history. From Dakar, Senegal, the man who has blocked more shots than he has made, DeSaganaaaaa Diop!!!

wild applause followed by highlight reels of Diop alternately blocking shots and turning the ball over

For your Dallas Mavericks, the number 4 center of all time. You've seen him in posters, you've seen him posterized on YouTube, you've seen him in Space Jam, you may even have seen him on Walker, Texas Ranger...the seven foot six inch shot-blocker extraordinaire, from Landstuhl, Germany, Shaaaawwwnn Bradley!!!

feverish applause during which the PA announcer runs down to the court and dunks on Bradley

The number three center of all time for the Dallas Mavericks. He has shot over 60% the last four years, and is one of the NBA's better rebounders. The man you know as Ericka for his inconsistent effort, from Jackson, Mississippi, Erick Dampiiieeeerr!!!

mild applause, after some confusion it is determined that Dampier is not in the building

Now, the number two center in Dallas Mavericks history. Going back to the 80s, to the days of Mark Aguirre and Derek Harper, to a man who seldom missed and seldom fouled, from the United Kingdom, the incomparably efficient Jaaaaammeeess Donaldson!!!

euphoria in the crowd, Brad Davis and Dick Motta are seen celebrating courtside while highlights from that time Dallas almost beat the Lakers in the playoffs are shown on the MiniTron

Finally, the man you've all been waiting for. The best center to ever put on a Dallas Mavericks uniform, he's a defensive standout who is in the NBA top 10 in rebounds and blocks per game, formerly the best player on the Washington Wizards, from New York, New York, Breeeeeendaaaannn Haaaaayywooooodd!!!

pause. is he really better than Jamison? best player on a bad team doesn't mean anything. anyway, he's never made an all-star team like Donaldson, who was really good let me tell you, and we still can't beat the Lakers...actually he is kinda good...ecstatic rioting in the streets


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