Alien Clone Ghost NBA Team, etc

After listening to the most recent Disciples Of Clyde podcast a couple days ago, I was motivated to put together my own Alien Clone Ghost NBA Team to save the human race. For those not inclined to click on the link, the idea is to put together the best NBA team possible.

9 Man Rotation
C: '92 David Robinson
PF: '65 Bill Russell ('03 Tim Duncan)
SF: '92 Scottie Pippen ('77 Bobby Jones)
SG: '91 Michael Jordan ('07 Manu Ginobili)
PG: '70 Walt Frazier ('88 John Stockton)

Injury Replacements: '04 Kevin Garnett, '83 Sidney Moncrief, '08 Chris Paul.

Coach: Bill Russell
Assistants: Phil Jackson, Tex Winter

Various Notes and Justifications

I tried to put together a team on which (1) everybody can play defense, (2) could match up against anybody, and (3) wouldn't have too many chemistry issues (you don't want Oscar, Jordan, Kobe, and Wilt in the same lineup for obvious reasons). The team would primarily run the triangle when the starting lineup was in, though there would be a decent amount of pick and rolls (especially when Stockton was playing). They could run just about anything, though.

Matchups explain why, for example, I chose Duncan over Garnett. Russell and Robinson together pretty much duplicate Garnett's skills (elite defense, passing, stretching the defense), while there wasn't another player on the roster with Duncan's low post skills. If I had gone with Kareem instead of Robinson, I would have chosen Garnett as the 6th man. I didn't choose Kareem mainly because I thought he was more of a ballstopper than Robinson, and would clog Jordan, Pippen, and Frazier's driving lanes (especially with Russell having no jump shot).

All of the starters would normally play 30-35 minutes. Duncan, the 6th man, would get about 30 minutes. Based on matchups, Stockton would play between 20-30 minutes, Ginobili 15-25, and Jones 5-15.

This roster assumes current NBA rules. If, for example, the team was playing without a three point line, I'd substitute Moncrief for Ginobili. If the team was playing without the handcheck rules, I might substitute a forward for one of the quick guards.

[EDIT 5/8/11-In retrospect, I'd probably substitute Nowitzki for Jones, and switch his minutes with Ginobili. This team could use another three point shooter, and that move would add arguably the most effective shooter in NBA history and a 7 footer who can play small forward at the cost of another defender off the bench. I think the rest of the team would be able to make up for it, though.]

A Good Draft

With another NBA draft in the books, this is what the top ten looks like, as expressed historically, as far as I can tell. Standard disclaimers apply.

1. Wizards: A better Baron Davis.
2. 76ers: John Havlicek with good, not great, defense and durability.
3. Nets: Shawn Kemp.
4. Timberwolves: Robert Horry with a little more scoring.
5. Kings: Zach Randolph 2.0 Now with real defense!
6. Warriors: A poor man's Larry Nance.
7. Pistons: Vlade Divac.
8. Clippers: Josh Smith with worse passing.
9. Jazz: Steve Smith.
10. Pacers: Caron Butler.

The Ballad Of Alex Groza

There was a man from Martins Ferry
A basketball team he could carry
With the shots he put up
For Coach Adolph Rupp
But of gamblers he should have been wary

There was a team from Kentucky
That for a time was quite lucky
With Groza and Beard
Everywhere were they feared
Back to back gonfalon, ducky

On the horizon danger was lurking
Scoundrels and thieves had been working
To give games away
Trading pride for pay
In the final seconds not “Dirking”

There was a league called the NBA
Where Groza and Beard went to play
Second in scoring
Percentages soaring
Better than Mikan or Schayes, I say

But the scandal came tumbling down
And the news spread all over town
Like Mountain Landis
Mo was merciless
And to exile Groza was bound

Brendan Haywood Is The Best Mavericks Center Ever No Really: A Play In One Act

Scene: a darkened auditorium. There are very few people in the seats and a monstrous spotlight on the court.

Enter: PA Announcer

Aaaaannnd now, ladies and gentlemen, the top 5 centers in Dallas Mavericks hiiiisssssstoooorrryy!!!!

applause

In the first category, we have honorable mentions for some decent players who weren't really centers, but played there anyway because yooouurr Dallas Mavericks didn't have anyone else!!! Let's here it fooooooorrr Raef LaFrentz, Drew Gooden, Roy Tarpley, and Saaaaammm Perkins!!!

wild applause

Now, the number 5 center in Dallas Mavericks history. From Dakar, Senegal, the man who has blocked more shots than he has made, DeSaganaaaaa Diop!!!

wild applause followed by highlight reels of Diop alternately blocking shots and turning the ball over

For your Dallas Mavericks, the number 4 center of all time. You've seen him in posters, you've seen him posterized on YouTube, you've seen him in Space Jam, you may even have seen him on Walker, Texas Ranger...the seven foot six inch shot-blocker extraordinaire, from Landstuhl, Germany, Shaaaawwwnn Bradley!!!

feverish applause during which the PA announcer runs down to the court and dunks on Bradley

The number three center of all time for the Dallas Mavericks. He has shot over 60% the last four years, and is one of the NBA's better rebounders. The man you know as Ericka for his inconsistent effort, from Jackson, Mississippi, Erick Dampiiieeeerr!!!

mild applause, after some confusion it is determined that Dampier is not in the building

Now, the number two center in Dallas Mavericks history. Going back to the 80s, to the days of Mark Aguirre and Derek Harper, to a man who seldom missed and seldom fouled, from the United Kingdom, the incomparably efficient Jaaaaammeeess Donaldson!!!

euphoria in the crowd, Brad Davis and Dick Motta are seen celebrating courtside while highlights from that time Dallas almost beat the Lakers in the playoffs are shown on the MiniTron

Finally, the man you've all been waiting for. The best center to ever put on a Dallas Mavericks uniform, he's a defensive standout who is in the NBA top 10 in rebounds and blocks per game, formerly the best player on the Washington Wizards, from New York, New York, Breeeeeendaaaannn Haaaaayywooooodd!!!

pause. is he really better than Jamison? best player on a bad team doesn't mean anything. anyway, he's never made an all-star team like Donaldson, who was really good let me tell you, and we still can't beat the Lakers...actually he is kinda good...ecstatic rioting in the streets

Exeunt