For the unofficial* Waiting For Groza season preview, it is my pleasure to introduce the two official Waiting For Groza season preview correspondents, Agnew, the anthropomorphic eggplant that has lived in my fridge for the past three years, and Geoffrey St. Geoffrey, advance scout for the Providence Steam Rollers and Zollner Pistons.
*Official preview not forthcoming.
[transcribed by Mrs E.E. Pifflebottom of the Tryton L. Peckham Typing Bureau, Inc. Thank you, Donny!]
Waiting For Groza: Let's start in the East, with the Atlantic Division. The Boston Celtics seem to be the overwhelming favorites here. Another year older, they probably won't win 60 games, but will be dangerous in the playoffs if KG is healthy.
Geoffrey St. Geoffrey: Back in '53, when we were facing Syracuse, I remember Andy Phillip snatching a rebound and sprinting to the other end of the court trying to score. But he was the only one running. He couldn't get a shot off against Earl Lloyd, so he tried a behind the back pass which was snagged by Paul Seymour. Most of our guys were so slow that they were still down on the other end, so Syracuse couldn't get a fast break going, but Dolph hit a shot anyway. What was the question again?
Agnew: All shall fear the Celtics! Not so much as they fear Agnew, Destroyer of Worlds, but fear shall be happening nonetheless! Garnett and Rondo are crazy, and Agnew approves, but the rest of the team is old and Sheed is missing. Like Emperor Melongena, he shall be missed throughout the galaxy, for it is only through calculated insanity that this team wins!
Projected Record: 49-33, 4th in East.
Waiting For Groza: Next up, the Knicks. They turned over most of the roster, and have their most talented team since Allan Houston was a good player. An Amare led offense should be good, and they have a lot of break out candidates; Danilo Gallinari, Anthony Randolph, Toney Douglas, Timofey Mozgov, Kelenna Azubuike, and that clone of Steve Nash that D'Antoni smuggled out of Arizona. But will it be enough to mask their lack of defense?
Geoffrey St. Geoffrey: I'll tell you what I think of the Knicks. Back when I was in the NBA, there was a center named Ed Macauley who started for the Boston Celtics. He was a wonderful offensive player, with all kinds of moves, and a brilliant outside shot. His teams always fell in the playoffs despite the best backcourt combination in the league. One evening, after the game, we were splitting a cab, and he got out at his apartment first, saying he'd loaned his wallet to Cooz, but would be back in a second with his half of the fare. The next morning, I woke up in the gutter, covered in vomit. What do you think of that, young man?
Agnew: Agnew is bored by this team. He hates New York, because they celebrate mediocrity. Agnew is not mediocre. Agnew blows things up! Agnew dances in the fiery ashes of his enemies' burning houses! The Knicks have erected a colorful facade to hide a beige interior. Agnew will say nothing more about this team.
Projected Record: 38-44, 7th in East.
Waiting For Groza: The New Jersey Nets went 12-70 last year, but have added Troy Murphy, Derrick Favors, Anthony Morrow, Travis Outlaw, and Jordan Farmar to replace one of the worst collections of talent ever assembled. How many games can this very different team win?
Geoffrey St. Geoffrey: In the days when I was a young man, we killed Commies, and people who looked like Commies, and people who might have thought about becoming Commies! We didn't let them purchase basketball teams! The idea! Hmph.
Agnew: If you cannot destroy your enemies, which Agnew never worries about, then you should terrify them in any way you can! The 2010 Nets would have made Agnew run away, if Agnew had legs, and was not so brave and courageous and was utterly impossible to frighten! A mediocre basketball team frightens nobody. Stick to what you do best, Nets!
Projected Record: 35-47, 8th in East.
Waiting For Groza: Toronto has seemingly turned into the Island of Misfit International Ballers, with Bargnani, Calderon, Barbosa, and Kleiza playing significant roles for the Raptors this season. This team should score, but won't be able to stop anyone, unless Amir Johnson turns into Ben Wallace.
Geoffrey St. Geoffrey: The Toronto Huskies didn't have a single player over 6'5 play at least half of their games, and were absolutely dreadful after Ed Sadowski, their star big man, departed 10 games into the campaign. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose, as they say in Montreal, though I have no idea why. I don't speak German.
Agnew: The best defense is not a good offense! The best defense is to rip your opponent limb from limb while cackling gleefully! They will be disarmed, and you can score at will! If Agnew coached the Raptors, they would live up to their proud mascot, who Agnew could still destroy if he wanted to, but he doesn't! Even Agnew can be merciful! But not too much mercy! Agnew is watching you!
Projected Record: 25-57, 13th in East.
Waiting For Groza: We come to the last team in the Atlantic, the 76ers. They have some talent; Iguodala, Speights, Evan Turner, Holliday, Lou Williams, Young, but I don't really know how any of it fits together. I don't think they will be able to shoot that well, and the interior defense is suspect, to say the least. They exchanged their best rebounder and interior defender for Spencer Hawes, and their best player is on the trading block. Will Turner figure things out in his rookie year? Will Speights or Lou Williams become an All-Star? Or is this team doomed to another season with a win total in the twenties?
Geoffrey St. Geoffrey: I never understood why Syracuse moved to Philadelphia. Each place is utterly ghastly. I hated traveling to Syracuse to scout the Nationals. Dolph Schayes was brilliant, and the rest of the team would pressure you, and try to cause havoc. I could have told Mr. Zollner that without sitting a bus attempting to make it to the depot before being crushed by the glaciers on either side of it. And the fans were worse, a bunch of rowdy hooligans, who were at once obnoxious and scarce. I can understand fleeing, but why leave Hell for Tartarus?
Agnew: Agnew understands that the Sixers could have a frontcourt of Spencer Hawes, Elton Brand, and Andres Nocioni. His lips curl in disgust at the depths to which a once proud franchise has fallen until Agnew remembers that the Sixers were never proud, certainly not compared to Agnew, proudest of all the proud beings that have ever, ever been proudly prideful!
Projected Record: 23-59, 14th in East.
Come back later, or tomorrow, or next year, or something, for the rest!